“Am I doing this right?!:” addressing The age-old parenting question.

“Am I doing this right?!” is a question that runs through the minds of many parents several times a day. This question can come up in the context of feeding, sleeping options, child-care, playing, and the list goes on. Though this question often comes from a loving and caring place, it is rooted in fear, and fear gets in the way of parenting to our fullest potential.

Parents ask, “Am I doing this right?” because they intend to provide safe and nurturing environments for their children. The goal is not to prevent parents from asking this question. One goal is to help parents manage the fears of parenting. Another goal is to help bring joy back into parenting and help parents feel confident in their decision-making. In sessions, I help parents internalize methods and tools that will help them remain steady and curious in their parenting rather than fearful and worried. 

Remaining Steady: To remain steady means to regulate your physical and emotional states. When the question, “Am I doing this right?!” comes up, I often ask parents to notice any accompanying visceral sensations. Perhaps there is increased heart rate, sweaty palms, fidgeting, nail-biting, or leg shaking. These visceral cues are an indication that the central nervous system is gearing up. These physiological cues are linked to our fight, flight, and freeze response that is activated by our amygdala (the brain’s fear center).

In sessions, we will slow down and mindfully observe visceral states in an effort to bring them into our conscious awareness. Once we bring the visceral states into conscious awareness, we can develop the tools needed to calm the nervous system. Box breathing is one of many simple and effective tools. Learn more about Box Breathing here.

Curiosity: Once we calm the body and feel steady once again, we regain access to our prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that allows us to access our planning skills, problem-solving, judgment, impulse control, creativity, and perseverance. 

When we’re steady and curious, the anxious, fearful question of “Am I doing this right?!” can transform into questions that allow us to attune to our children. In other words, we can step outside of our own experience and think more about the child’s experiences and mental states. 

Once we are regulated, we can begin to ask attunement questions such as: 

1. Does it look like my child feels safe in this moment? I wonder if this warm blanket and my steady arms allow my child to feel safe.

2. How do I know if my child is in distress? What helps soothe my baby in these moments? What else can I try?

3. Does my child gravitate towards a particular teacher at daycare? I wonder what it is about the teacher that my child gravitates towards. Can I help cultivate this relationship so that my child feels extra safe and secure?

4. Does my child enjoy a particular game? I noticed my child giggles so much while playing hide and seek. Can I play hide and seek in a new way? How else can I expand the game? 

When we expand our thinking away from fear, we can attune to and remain curious about our children in ways that promote secure attachment patterns. In other words, it’s not about getting it right. It’s about remaining connected to and with your child. The more we’re able to think about our child’s experiences and mental states, the more likely we are to form secure connections with them and the more likely we are to experience joy and confidence while parenting.

Therapy for New Parents

Entering parenthood comes with a world of changes. Responsibilities shift, perspectives evolve, purpose deepens, and you gain a new piece of your identity. With all of these immense changes, parents enter a particularly vulnerable stage.

Postpartum Depression (PPD):

Postpartum depression is a type of depressive disorder that occurs when a newborn is welcomed into a family. New mothers and fathers experiencing postpartum depression might experience sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. Postpartum depression can also lead to changes in appetite, sleep disturbances, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and feelings of guilt or worthlessness. Up to 20% of new mothers report experiencing postpartum depression following the birth of a child, and there is a growing body of research that estimates up to 10% of fathers may experience PPD.

Postpartum Anxiety (PPA):

Seventeen percent (17%) of new mothers report experiencing postpartum anxiety. Postpartum anxiety involves excessive worry, fear, and nervousness about various aspects of parenthood, the baby's health, and the future. This anxiety is often overwhelming and may interfere with daily functioning. A new mom experiencing postpartum anxiety may experience racing thoughts, restlessness, irritability, muscle tension, difficulty sleeping, and physical symptoms like heart palpitations or dizziness.

Like postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety can be triggered by hormonal changes, sleep disturbances, and the challenges of adjusting to a new role as a parent. Postpartum anxiety in men is still an underresearched area.

Therapeutic Approach: 

When working with expecting or new parents, a holistic approach is necessary. Understanding your attachment patterns, the health of your relationships, social networks & instrumental supports can make a significant difference.

Together, we will reflect on questions like:

1. What would I like my relationship to be like with my new child?

2. What help will I need to raise this child in the way I envision it?

3. Does my vision for this child’s life align with my partner’s vision?

4. Would I benefit from a doula attending the birth?

5. Do I need to set particular boundaries with family members?

These questions listed give a taste of the themes that we might touch on and explore in treatment. By addressing these questions, we will ensure the proper supports are in place in order to help soothe PPD and PPA symptoms. Together, we will collaborate to guide you through your postpartum experience.