“Am I doing this right?!:” addressing The age-old parenting question.
“Am I doing this right?!” is a question that runs through the minds of many parents several times a day. This question can come up in the context of feeding, sleeping options, child-care, playing, and the list goes on. Though this question often comes from a loving and caring place, it is rooted in fear, and fear gets in the way of parenting to our fullest potential.
Parents ask, “Am I doing this right?” because they intend to provide safe and nurturing environments for their children. The goal is not to prevent parents from asking this question. One goal is to help parents manage the fears of parenting. Another goal is to help bring joy back into parenting and help parents feel confident in their decision-making. In sessions, I help parents internalize methods and tools that will help them remain steady and curious in their parenting rather than fearful and worried.
Remaining Steady: To remain steady means to regulate your physical and emotional states. When the question, “Am I doing this right?!” comes up, I often ask parents to notice any accompanying visceral sensations. Perhaps there is increased heart rate, sweaty palms, fidgeting, nail-biting, or leg shaking. These visceral cues are an indication that the central nervous system is gearing up. These physiological cues are linked to our fight, flight, and freeze response that is activated by our amygdala (the brain’s fear center).
In sessions, we will slow down and mindfully observe visceral states in an effort to bring them into our conscious awareness. Once we bring the visceral states into conscious awareness, we can develop the tools needed to calm the nervous system. Box breathing is one of many simple and effective tools. Learn more about Box Breathing here.
Curiosity: Once we calm the body and feel steady once again, we regain access to our prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that allows us to access our planning skills, problem-solving, judgment, impulse control, creativity, and perseverance.
When we’re steady and curious, the anxious, fearful question of “Am I doing this right?!” can transform into questions that allow us to attune to our children. In other words, we can step outside of our own experience and think more about the child’s experiences and mental states.
Once we are regulated, we can begin to ask attunement questions such as:
Does it look like my child feels safe in this moment? I wonder if this warm blanket and my steady arms allow my child to feel safe.
How do I know if my child is in distress? What helps soothe my baby in these moments? What else can I try?
Does my child gravitate towards a particular teacher at daycare? I wonder what it is about the teacher that my child gravitates towards. Can I help cultivate this relationship so that my child feels extra safe and secure?
Does my child enjoy a particular game? I noticed my child giggles so much while playing hide and seek. Can I play hide and seek in a new way? How else can I expand the game?
When we expand our thinking away from fear, we can attune to and remain curious about our children in ways that promote secure attachment patterns. In other words, it’s not about getting it right. It’s about remaining connected to and with your child. The more we’re able to think about our child’s experiences and mental states, the more likely we are to form secure connections with them and the more likely we are to experience joy and confidence while parenting.